My testimony pt. 2:Parting with them

I went to psychiatric hospital because of some emotional disorder. This was a new situation for me in the “community”. I was not surrounded by “brethren” but I lived then among people from the “world”, people mentally ill. Of course I tried to speak with many about God, because it was the only thing I thought I could do with people from outside my community.

My “brethren” came to me every day for a short period of time and talked with me about some simple things. I was disappointed, because I wanted to have fellowship with them and they only asked how I felt and so on. Now I know it was not good for me to deal with the Scripture at that time, but then it made me feel deceived – that the rules for me in the “community” changed. Anyway, this aspect caused lack of trust in me to the “community”.

With time I gave less time to reading the Bible and concentrated rather on getting to know other patients. Many of them were interested in God and the Bible what surprised me, because I had completely different image of people from the “world”. The person I owe much is a mother of one of female patients. Her mother was an eager Catholic believer and understood  and explained to me some difficult topics. After some talks I realised that I can no longer accept the teaching of the “community”.

It was not completely sudden change. My thinking evolved slowly during whole “community” time. When i joined the “community” I was really prejudiced to the Catholicism. During the time in the group I dealt much with theology – also the Catholic theology. I saw more and more that it was not that primitive as I imagined. And in some points the “community” was closer to Catholic than Protestant thinking (contraception; “brothers” of Jesus are not children of Mary; understanding of presence of Jesus in the Bread and Wine).  Yet I needed that time in hospital, separation from the “community” and the talks with a believer from the “world” to convert back to Catholicism.

At their next visit after my talks I said about our disunity in one point of teaching, and they replied in one sentence: We cannot have fellowship anymore. This way I parted with them.

My testimony pt. 1:Going into…

I come from Polish family, my background is Catholic. Though, my parents were not very religious, rather around average. Nevertheless, the faith was for me very important since the very early age. Since I remember I wanted to obey God, I wanted to do what is right in front of Him. The most important events from my childhood were connected with God.

Unfortunately, not everything in my relationship with God was good. I think that at the early stage of my life my heart was deeply wounded. As a result I could not believe that God and my parents love me. I felt really unworthy in front of God, I was afraid of His wrath, I did not see Him as loving Father. I started to doubt. When I went to confession I felt like a slave, my experience of a Church was negative, I did not know any community.

I started to look for the truth in other Christian and non-Christian religions. At the age of 18 I had a thinking of a Fundamentalist Protestant (like Adventist or so), but was still very unsure and lacked of courage. Once I met a person (PG) that wanted to talk with me about spiritual/theological things, and had a clear opinion on all my questions. He seemed very sure of his thinking about God. We spoke a couple of times, then I broke the contact because I was afraid of the reaction of my parents on changing the faith…

What I remembered from the talk was the call PG to give the whole life for Jesus and live with Him. This did not leave my mind in peace, because there was and still is such a wish in my heart. After some time I found their website, wrote an e-mail to them and began to meet more frequently, later even daily. One evening I did not come home back and slept in “the community”’s flat and this way I left my family house and started to live in that flat.

I lived together with them for around 1.5 years. This was very destructive time for me. First of all, I felt constantly controlled. I had to confess my sins to the “brethren” and after the confession I was almost always admonished and said that my heart is full of spiritual filth. I felt really terribly, I did not accept myself. I wrote at the beginning that in my childhood I did not feel loved by God – but it was NOTHING compared to the level of hopelessness and self-condemnation I reached in the “community”!

This is connected with another matter – The group demands from you to give up your personal wishes, likes, plans in order to submit to God and the “community” completely. It means you have to agree with them in all that they want. For instance – they think that specific studies are not good for you and the “community”, then you can argue and do what you think is correct, but you are assessed as spiritually weak and after some time they can exclude you because of this… In their thinking it is already close to loosing the salvation.

In the group I was very afraid of showing my feelings. I thought it is a sin to be angry, to be afraid. Sometimes it was even said that to be joyful is a commandment of God. I felt there very strong emotions, much happened inside me, but outwards it was very, very seldom visible.

These aspects show in which way the group functions as a sect – it disintegrated my personality, changed me in a kind of a “robot” controlled by the “community”. My identity was lost, instead of “Me” there was only “We” = “The Community”.

All these bad things made me “explode” one day… For my mind there was too much to bear – I exploded with the emotions, I lost control over myself. I do not want to describe it in details, but as a result I went to psychiatric hospital.

To be continued…

Hello and welcome!

I am getting started with my blog. Its content will concern the matter of a little Christian sect called Holic-group. It is not widely known, I will describe it in coming posts.

I decided to start the blog because I have a deep wish in my heart to share my past experience in the group, to express why I joined it, how I felt in, why I left, and how I managed to rearrange my thinking afterwards. Writing it I think especially about other former members of this, or similar groups that may have difficulty with finding their place outside thier group.

I can communicate in English quite well, but writing in this language is difficult for me and I know I make a lot of mistakes, but I hope I will not hurt your aesthetic sense very much.